When Ida Puts Her Armor On - Ellis Parker Butler

poem: When Ida Puts Her Armor On by Ellis Parker Butler

When Ida puts her armor on
And draws her trusty blade
The turnips in the bin turn pale,
The apples are afraid.
The quiet kitchen city wakes
And consternation feels,
And quick the tocsin pealeth forth
In long potato peels.

When Ida puts her armor on
The pots and pans succumb,
A wooden spoon her drum-stick is,
A mixing pan her drum;
She charges on the kitchen folk
With silver, tin and steel
She beat the eggs, she whips the cream,
The victory is a meal.

When Ida puts her apron on
Her breast-plate is of blue.
(Checked gingham ruffled top and sides)
Her gauntlets gingham, too;
And thus protected from assault
Of batter, stain and flour
She wars with vegetable foes
And conquers in an hour.

When Ida puts her armor on
She is so fair to see
Her battle with the kitchen folk
Is reproduced in me;
So sweet she is, armed cap-a-pie,
So good her kitchen art
I hardly know which loves her best
My palate or my heart.
poem by Ellis Parker Butler

Why I Went To The Foot - Ellis Parker Butler

poem: Why I Went To The Foot by Ellis Parker Butler

Was ever a maiden so worried?
I’ll admit I am partial to Jim,
For Jimmie has promised to wed me
When I’m old enough to wed him.

But then I love teacher, too, dearly,
She’s always so lovely to me,
And she’s pretty and kind and sweet-tempered,
And gentle as gentle can be.

I wouldn’t for worlds hurt Jim’s feelings,
For he never would like me again—
But there was my dearest, sweet teacher,
And I’d die if my words gave her pain.

“Two plus two equals what?” was the problem.
And I knew teacher thought it made “four”;
But Jimmie said “six,” and maintained it
As long as he stood on the floor.

And I saw I must soon choose between them,
For I was the next in the line.
Should I side with my teacher or Jimmie?
What a sad situation was mine!

And just as my heart with that problem
Of friendship was so sorely vexed
I was called on to answer the other,
For teacher had said, sharply, “Next!”

It was then that the brilliant thought struck me,
That by compromise I could contrive
To hurt neither teacher nor Jimmie,
And that’s how I came to say “five.”
poem by Ellis Parker Butler

Why Washington Retreated - Ellis Parker Butler

poem: Why Washington Retreated by Ellis Parker Butler

1775

Said Congress to George Washington:
“To set this country free,
You’ll have to whip the Britishers
And chase them o’er the sea.”
“Oh, very well,” said Washington,
“I’ll do the best I can.
I’ll slam and bang those Britishers
And whip them to a man.”

1777

Said Congress to George Washington:
“The people all complain;
Why don’t you fight? You but retreat
And then retreat again.”
“That can’t be helped,” said Washington,
“As you will quite agree
When you see how the novelists
Have mixed up things for me.”

Said Congress to George Washington:
“Pray make your meaning clear.”
Said Washington: “Why, certainly—
But pray excuse this tear.
Of course we know,” said Washington,
“The object of this war—
It is to furnish novelists
With patriotic lore.”

Said Congress to George Washington:
“Yes! yes! but pray proceed.”
Said Washington: “My part in it
Is difficult indeed,
For every hero in the books
Must sometime meet with me,
And every sweet-faced heroine
I must kiss gallantly.”

Said Congress to George Washington:
“But why must you retreat?”
Said Washington: “One moment, please,
My story to complete.
These hero-folk are scattered through
The whole United States;
At every little country town
A man or maiden waits.”

To Congress said George Washington:
“At Harlem I must be
On such a day to chat with one,
And then I’ll have to flee
With haste to Jersey, there to meet
Another. Here’s a list
Of sixty-seven heroes, and
There may be some I’ve missed.”

To Congress said George Washington:
“Since I must meet them all
(And if I don’t you know how flat
The novels all will fall),
I cannot take much time to fight,
I must be on the run,
Or some historic novelist
Will surely be undone.”

Said Congress to George Washington:
“You are a noble man.
Your thoughtfulness is notable,
And we approve your plan;
A battle won pads very well
A novel that is thin,
But it is better to retreat
Than miss one man and win.”

Said Congress to George Washington:
“Kiss every pretty maid,
But do it in a courtly way
And in a manner staid—
And some day when your sword is sheathed
And all our banners furled,
A crop of novels will spring up
That shall appal the world.”
poem by Ellis Parker Butler

Womanly Qualms - Ellis Parker Butler

poem: Womanly Qualms by Ellis Parker Butler

When I go rowing on the lake,
I long to be a man;
I’ll give my Sunday frock to have
A callous heart like Dan.

I love the ripple of the waves
When gliding o’er the deep,
But when I see the cruel ours,
I close my eyes and weep;

For there are cat-fish in our lake,
And I am filled with dread,
Lest Don should strike a pussy-fish
Upon its tender head.

How would you like it if, some day
An air-ship passing by,
Should flap its cruel, thoughtless oars
And knock you in the eye?

My life would be one long regret
If, for my pleasure vain,
I caused a harmless little fish
An hour of needless pain.

And if Dan’s heavy oars should cause
One little fish to die,
I’d never, never dare to look
Smoked herring in the eye!
poem by Ellias Parker Butler

Would You Believe It? - Ellis Parker Butler

poem: Would You Believe It? by Ellis Parker Butler

One year ago I wished that I
A banker great might be
With a hundred million dollars
And financial majesty;

A mighty Wall Street banker
With a whopping lot of power
And an income of somewhere around
A thousand plunks per hour;

A solid Wall Street banker
With securities in sacks
And with clever men to show me
How to pay no income tax;

A wealthy Wall Street banker
Who raked in cash like hay;
I wished that just a year ago—
And I wish the same today.
poem by Ellis Parker Butler